Bats in the belfry

2008-09-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

same ole same ole.....

sitting here at the library yet again contemplating my situation. No money.. no job... rent coming up again soon, and car insurance, and so many other things....

I tend to not take a day by day approach to wallowing in my misery... I tend to try and not think about how deep the hole is that I am in. It's just sometimes hard to keep my brain quiet about it.

I don't understand how it can be that when I spply for a job that I am completely qualified for, I don't even get an interview... I just don't understand that. How many people out here in Lexington are seriously qualified to work as a tech testing the effects of drugs and alcohol on humans!??!? come on... really?!?! so many that I am passed over for an interview!?!?

I don't get it. I'm sad about my Etsy store too... I am wondering what kind of crazy stuff I have to come up with to have consistent sales... what do I have to do... what do I have to do to get hired somewhere as a dane teacher or a yoga instructor or even give regular private lessons. I just don't think I have the business savy... or maybe I'm just not as good as people say I am at what I do.

I dunno... got the blue funks today... hoping it will clear up later... I gotta go clean and listen to some balkan beat box.. maybe that'll do the trick.

hope my check comes today.

2008-09-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Bleck!

Well.... Tribe is down yet again and I feel strangly adrift without it. I don't really have much to say today except that I still need a friggin J.O.B.

BUT... I am now making harem pants/pantaloons and they are now available in my etsy store! These are nice pants... satin (lightweight) and comfy!

2008-09-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

FINALLY!!!

so I cleared out alot of my bedroom ovre the last couple of days and I have space to practice. TO practice yoga and dance. I have to admit that I was apprehensive about this since it has been so long since I have truly had a pratice. I wasn't sure how my body would take it..

well... I was inspired to do Rachel's arms video and I got through the whole thing... trying so hard not to cry because it didn't hurt.. I could feel everything the way you are supposed to.. no pain and normal gentle resistence. I then did some of my own stretching and found my body actually responding to it... it's been YEARS. I got done with it all and just sat down and cried. I called my mother and cried... finally.. I'm free.

SO.. I decided to make a practice playlist of music for belly dance (and specific Rakadu choreos including hula) and I am going to practice them today. I am also considering breakin out my hoop and seeing if I can fit it upstairs.

I'm just marveling at what is happening to me... I guess being uot of work is finally paying off in some way.. I have had the time to research this stuff and atually get better.

I'm going to add a zinc supplement as well... since I'm not on the medroxyprogesterone anymore I could use the progesterone boost...

ONWARD!

2008-08-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

GOALS

So I really need to set some goals for myself. There are so many things I want to do but I am so disorganized about it. I figure if I make lists then I will feel more together about it or at least that I am giving my wants and needs some lip service.

For dance:

lose weight
get my shimmies in order
learn to keep my shoulders DOWN
be more flowy and spontaneous
do more sword and veil work

For fire:

learn the staff.. since I own it I should use it
learn poi isolations
get better at transitions for the moves I do know
dance more
get good with the orb
learn to hoop
MAYBE learn to eat fire
get myself some solo gigs

For Hadaratribal:

make a panel skirt with turkoman buttons on it
use the brown leather
make more dreads
make a panel belt and finish the yarn one I started
make panel gauntlets for fire spinning
come up with more ideas in general

For personal:

find a fucking JOB!
again.. lose weight
clean apartment
overall get organized
get rid of excess crap I never use/need/look at
try to cook a new recipe at least once a week (which I will start when I get a job)
redevelop a personal yoga practice

I think that is a good list for the moment. I know it will change and some things I just won't ever do (I hope not tho...) but it's a start at addressing the things I think are important.

I already took a look at some videos for the staff and I was taking a second look at my website which I need to completely revamp because I need to get myself out there as a performance artist for hire. I am really wanting to push for a soloist career (of course not being opposed to being part of a troupe as I am now but definitely a solo fire artist with the occasional collaboration). So I think now is the time to really get this all in gear and make a push for it!

2008-08-12T07:27:00.000-07:00

I swear that I have a black cloud that follows me around. Almost everyday something bad happens and I'mnot sure how much I can take. So now my ignition is fucked up and first my key wouldn't turn, then it does but I had a hard time getting it to come out of the ignition and now I am stuck at the library and I can neither pull the key out OR turn it. yeah.. and I have an interbiew today at 1pm.
There are days when I swear it is not worth the effort.

2008-08-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

So saturday afternoon my best friend moved to New Haven for a post-doc at Yale. Yeah, I am happy for her but I am sad for me. I don't really know what to do with myself without her. I feel like I am adrift.... suspended without a net basically. I don't think I have ever felt like this before when a friend has moved on..

I dunno.. I'm sad and feel useless now.. I have no one to mother hen, no one to just sit with a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes on the patio.... no one to just spontaneously go shopping with. I feel (even though I am not truly), utterly alone.

What made it worse for me was that she has another friend who is always competing with me for her attention (which of course she doesn't have to but man is it irritating) and of course she was there during the packing and moving and she was such a fucking bitch to me. I did NOT need that kind of bullshit when it was taking all of my strength and composure to keep from falling apart into a gelatinous mess right there on the ground. The only reason I didn't tear her face off is because Nik asked me not to. I mean really.... mature much?

I am not going to deal with that girl anymore.. thankfully I have decided to not deal with a bunch of the people that Nik hung around with that I didn't care for. Now I don't have to suck it up and be nice.

other than that I am just heartbroken. I'm instantly lonely and I'mnot sure how to go about fixing that without coming off needy and obnoxious. Maybe I just need to spend some time alone.

2008-08-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

Woke up today in so much pain. This perimenopause muscle and joint pain is such a bitch and I am so much less flexible now than when I started dancing that it is really starting to get to me... yoga does NOTHING to help it. I did look up some phytotherapies for it tho.... maybe it'll be something I can afford.. we'll see.

gotta go clean the cat box.. bleck ... I hate that.. my allergies get so flared. I am excited tho.. I went to the flylady site and got some good insight into how to get going on organizing my place. I'm gonna get started today!

ok.. well.. onward to another day of joblessness...

2008-08-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

yeah so.... this weekend my best frien takes off for a post doc in Connecticut... I'm gonna miss her... it'll be very strange to be across the street knowing she isn't there anymore. Dang.... now where am I gonna do my laundry?!?!?

Sigh... no job, nik leaving, the other Nycole gonna be moving in November... damn.. so many friends taking off. I have been dreaming about owning a Winnebago or some sort of mobile home so I can just go places and take the house with me... that way I'd alway have my dance gear and fire gear with me .... not to mention all the stuff I usually forget when I travel (toothbrush, deodorant, cell phone charger).

I wish the working at home thing was going better... but I guess it's just not the right time for that. I gotta definitely addvertise myself more.. maybe orver the next couple of days I will get my website straightened up and posted out... update my accessories inventory... and really get myself out there for teaching yoga... get my place cleaned up so I cn teach outta my house too if necessary. We'll see what I can do... today would be a good day to clean some. Maybe I'll just skip yoga and get some cleaning done... at least staart on the kitchen. bleck!

2008-08-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

I think since Tribe goes down so much I am going to continue blogging here at Blogspot. There have been times when I really had stuff to say and Tribe was done for several days and bleck from there... My old blogs will still be on Tribe but this feed will be here now